I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize