I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
