I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize