Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
