I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
