Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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