She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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