so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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