Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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