hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
