U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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