then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Randomize
