got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
