So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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