did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
