How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Two words: blizzard sex
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
