if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
