I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
