i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
