he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
as a side note pls kill me
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
