I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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