What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Randomize