Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
