My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
