Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
