I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
