Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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