dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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