Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
