i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
