you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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