did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
