She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
