Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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