theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
