dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
