I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
