history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
