I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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