fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
