how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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