I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
