my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
we have pet lesbian snakes
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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