Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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