my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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