I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
