I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
