I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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