I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Someone shattered a urinal.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
