And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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