just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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