You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
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