I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
