There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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