he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
