Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
