Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
