its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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