Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
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