come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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