Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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