Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
