Where did you get a picture of my penis
i was born a porn star she said
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Congratulations! We have a period
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
